The Most Respectful Question

How to Help Someone Who's Struggling

I’m learning Spanish, which is a pretty good idea since I live in Spain.

My main activity these days is watching videos made by people who have somehow managed to slow down their speech from the normal Spanish pace of 8 zillion words per minute to something closer to the way you would talk if you were trying to train a particularly dense Golden Retriever to play chess.

Recently, I watched a video about a baby who won’t stop crying. The story basically went like this:

The baby is crying. Mama gives the baby a pacifier. It doesn’t help; the baby keeps crying.

The baby is crying. Mama gives the baby a bottle. It doesn’t help; the baby keeps crying.

The formula continues, with a new diaper, a walk in the stroller, and a cuddle.

Then Papa wakes up and interrogates Mama, giving me another chance to listen to the vocabulary and grammar in the lesson.

“Have you given the baby a pacifier?” “Yes, I gave the baby a pacifier. It didn’t help; the baby kept crying.”

And so on.

While this approach was brilliant for helping me learn Spanish (not to brag, but I can now walk into any shop in Barcelona and announce, "I changed the baby's diaper"), the leadership coach in me was getting increasingly annoyed.

I was totally empathizing with the poor exhausted Mama, who was being required to defend every one of her actions the minute her husband came up with a new idea.

Yes, she’d thought of the bottle. Yes, she’d tried changing the baby’s diaper. Yes, she’d walked up and down pushing the stroller. Yes, she’d picked the baby up for a cuddle.

Jeez, Papa, just shut up already, I was practically yelling at the screen.

He may have been trying to be helpful and kind, but it didn’t land. Instead, he ended up showing off his own expertise to his wife when she was at her wits’ end.

Helping Often Looks Like Criticism

I get where Papa’s coming from — he wants to solve the problem and go back to sleep. And he doesn’t just want to tell Mama what to do. So his approach is to ask questions based on what he knows about soothing the kid back to sleep.

What happens for Mama when he does this? She gets annoyed, because she feels insulted. She feels disconnected and out of rapport with Papa, and gets defensive.

Duh, of course I tried the pacifier. Duh, I changed the diaper. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

And in a defensive neurological state, Mama kisses her creative problem-solving capacities goodbye for the time being.

So what can Papa do here to really help, when his attempt at finding a solution comes off as criticism?

One approach is simply to express empathy: “Oh honey, this must be so frustrating for you.”

That’s generally a great start, and often is all that’s needed. Sometimes all the other person wants is to be acknowledged and understood.

But in this case, there is a problem to be solved, and Mama would absolutely love for the baby to go back to sleep.

So what can Papa do here?

What Have You Tried?: The Most Respectful Question

Papa is very close to the right answer. Just a tiny nuanced change is all it takes to shift him from a critic to an ally.

Instead of asking, “Have you tried X, and have you tried Y,” all Papa has to do is ask a single, simple question: “What have you tried?”

This question respects Mama’s judgment, and her commitment, and her effort.

It’s intended not to one-up Mama, but bring Papa up to speed so he can participate in finding a solution.

Now Mama can share all her previous attempts to solve the problem. “I tried the pacifier, and the bottle, and the diaper, etc.”

Papa listens intently, assuming the stance of a collaborator rather than a supervisor.

As Mama lists what’s she’s tried, she starts to feel a bit better. Heard. Understood.

And she may even have the mental space to consider new options: singing, aromatherapy, offering her immortal soul to Beelzebub for 10 blessed minutes of quiet, and so on.

And if Papa at this point offers a suggestion that she hasn’t tried or considered, she’s much more likely to take it in with an open mind.

There’s More

I’m not suggesting that “What have you tried?” is the only phrase you need. Once you have the answer to that question, there are many possible directions to take the conversation that could be immensely helpful to your partner.

But starting there conveys interest and respect, and sets you up to act as a helpful ally rather than an exasperated critic.

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