Take My Advice

Or: How to Demotivate People in One Easy Step

Unsolicited advice creates resistance. 

I’m on the phone with a business friend, whom I’ll call Erin. She’s frustrated and distracted, though, because she’s struggling to figure out which is the most version of the contract that she emailed to a client last month. 

I immediately start telling her about a better way to manage her emails. Folders blah blah blah tags blah blah blah one touch blah blah blah task management integration blah blah blah. 

I’m so smart, no? And helpful?

Shockingly, Erin doesn't welcome my suggestion with open arms. Instead, she explains, with some irritation, why none of that will work. 

That what she says. 

What she's thinking is, "You don't know what I'm going through. You're not the boss of me. Who asked you?"

My advice is almost always wise. When I offer it I'm just trying to be useful, generous, and kind. I mean, I know something that could make your life better — wouldn't it just be mean and selfish of me to keep it to myself?

Howie, let me give me some advice: stop it!

Unsolicited advice is semantically identical to criticism.

Unsolicited advice comes with a giant bold red flashing meta-tag that screams "You're doing it wrong. I know better than you."

Or more simply, “You idiot!”

Do I Just Keep My Mouth Shut?

OK then, Howie. What's the alternative? Let Erin persist in her messy workflow? Allow her to wallow in frustration and inefficiency while the solution is dancing like nobody's watching on the tip of my tongue?

I don't recommend that either. Fortunately, few things in life are either/or — there's almost always another way. 

There are two alternatives to "bite my tongue" in this situation. 

First, I can steer the conversation to a place where Erin asks for help. I can do this by empathizing — almost encouraging her to complain.

"Wow, Erin, that sounds really frustrating!"

"Yeah, it is. I've got 26,455 unread emails in my inbox and I'm so worried that's some kind of record. I'm so nervous about missing something important, I spend hours a day in my inbox rather than shipping work."*

At this point, do I jump in and say, "Well, here's another way to do it"?

Not yet, Howie. Not yet.

What I'm listening for is explicit permission.

I might follow with, "That sounds really frustrating. I have a few thoughts — would you like to hear them?"

If she says yes, then she's going to be much more likely to take in my advice. And more likely to implement it.

The Other Problem with Unsolicited Advice

So far we've focused on the "unsolicited" part. And we've seen one way to get around that, so that Erin is open to receiving the advice.

The other problem with unsolicited advice is that it's my advice. I have, at best, only partial understanding of Erin's situation. Which means that it's pretty unlikely that my "off the shelf" solution will match her bespoke needs. 

Plus, my advice, even if welcomed, is still a foreign object. Our "autonomy immune system" is always on high alert for intruders that might compromise our agency. 

A higher level approach is to be a coach, not a teacher. Which means to assume that Erin is smart and capable and motivated, and probably has most of all of the answer inside her, or could do a bit of work and find it. 

That might sound something like this:

"Gosh, Erin, it seems like everyone's drowning in emails these days. I've struggled with that myself. Let me know if you'd like to talk it through together."

That's an invitation that's much easier to accept. Rather than giving advice from on high, I'm presenting myself as a thought partner who's had similar problems. 

And "talking it through" can now consist of asking rather than telling. And doing so is much more likely to lead to a solution that Erin constructs based on full understanding of her situation, so it's much more likely to work. 

Plus, because it's her solution, Erin is much more likely to "own" it, and actually put it into practice. 

There are many other problems with giving advice, unsolicited or not, which we'll look at in future newsletters. 

For now, my advice is, resist the urge to give advice.

Irony for the win!

Click here if you'd like to have a conversation with Howie or a member of his team about how to bring out the best in the people around you -- including the formula for initiating "helping conversations" that they appreciate and welcome.

*Tangent: she's not even close. According to the Internet, the champion of unread emails is Joey W of Providence, Rhode Island, who had over 4 million in his inbox as of December, 2012.

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