Instead of Feedback, Futurize

A Different Way of Getting People to Change

"Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who." - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

One of the big problems with feedback is that it refers to the past.

And one of the big problems with the past is that it can't be changed.

So feedback, by its very nature, directs our attention in an unhelpful direction.

We can't fix the past; we can only act now in pursuit of a better future.

So if you need to have a conversation with someone whom you'd like to behave differently, shift your focus from what they've done in the past to what you'd like them to do in the future.

The nice thing about starting here is that you're not telling them what they've been doing wrong. You're not criticizing them for past errors. You're not even thinking about anything that automatically triggers their defenses. You're just bringing them your vision of a more wonderful future, and asking for their help in creating it.

The desired future you want to paint has three important qualities. It's positive, clear, and meaningful. Let's look at each of these.

Make It Positive

Imagine getting into a taxi and telling the driver, "Take me anywhere but the Eiffel Tower." They wouldn't have much to go on, would they?

That's a silly example, but you do something analogous when you tell someone what you want them to stop doing.

Instead of describing what you don't want, describe what you do want.

This can be challenging, but take your time on this one. If you can't describe what you want, you're unlikely to get it.

Make It Clear

In addition to a positive description, you need to be clear and specific about what you want them to do and say.

Get as specific as you can. See the movie in your head. Really picture the scenes. Pretend you're a screenwriter trying to convey your vision to actors and cinematographers and a director.

Make It Meaningful

The third key quality of your desired outcome is that it's meaningful to your conversation partner. You want to ensure that they're doing it for their reasons, not yours.

If they're doing it to get your approval or so that you withhold negative consequences, at best you're getting compliance. Grudging, half-hearted, and abandoned as soon as they think you're not paying attention.

Instead, be curious and find out what's motivating them. What would be wonderful for them? And how can the behaviors you're wanting help them get that desired future for themselves?

Your Turn

Think of someone who's behaving in a way you'd like to change.

On paper, describe the behavior that you don't want.

Next, run it through the three "futurizer" filters.

• Make it positive.

• Make it clear.

• Make it meaningful.

Now read what you've come up with. Can you imagine having a conversation with your partner about that?

It’s important to come up with that desired future as preparation for the conversation, but you don’t introduce it right away. There are a few steps to set the foundation for an uplifting conversation that need to happen first. Next week we’ll look at the steps and specific words to get things going in a fruitful direction.

If you'd like to become a conversational grandmaster who looks forward to every interaction — even the challenging ones — you can start with my (and Peter Bregman's) book, You Can Change Other People. (Great book, embarrassing title.) If you'd like to accelerate your progress toward becoming a truly "Trigger-Free Leader," let's talk. Click here to schedule a discovery call.